You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
