i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
