I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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