yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
