so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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