I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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