i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
