My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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