Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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