I love black thongs
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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