My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
