she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
