So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
