so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
