hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
