the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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