I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
