I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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