just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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