He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
