Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
