I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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