Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
