Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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