I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
