OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
