well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
