If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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