she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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