If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
