Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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