I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
is it fun? or sober?
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