I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
