The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
