peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I just gargled with NyQuil
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
