I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
