whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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