I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
