I want to walk on stilts...naked
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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