I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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