is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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