Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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