508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I think I sprained my soul last night
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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