someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
