Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
