I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
