I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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