I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Randomize
