Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
