I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
